


stranger

by softnyu



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Heavy Angst, M/M, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, sorry chanhee :(, they're all trainees at the beginning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28371393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softnyu/pseuds/softnyu
Summary: when chanhee is finally making his dream come true things start to happen. he has to hide and act as if everything is okay to get to debut.because debuting is the most crucial goal for a trainee, right?
Relationships: Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin, Choi Chanhee | New/Ji Changmin | Q, Choi Chanhee | New/Kim Sunwoo, Choi Chanhee | New/Kim Younghoon, Choi Chanhee | New/Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae, Choi Chanhee | New/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 21
Kudos: 113





	1. jung hyunsuk

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing a story in english so please bear with me. my grammar isn't great and neither is my writing, but i hope this can be mildly enjoyable to read, i guess?  
> you've read the tags so you know what you're getting yourself into. the story won't have a lot of chapters and i'll try to end it quickly.  
> leave kudos or comment if you like it :)

chanhee’s dream had always been being an idol, he dreamt of singing in a scenario showing off his voice to everyone. but the world didn’t follow his wishes and his financial issues took him to work part-time jobs instead of being in a practice room as a trainee. 

he didn’t hate it, the contrary, he enjoyed serving tables, washing plates, cutting meat or basically whatever he had to do that day, with all his experience he just did anything that he was assigned to. 

and he went on like that, it wasn’t easy, the entertainment companies weren’t searching for someone like him, and with his lack of experience in dancing, he was always out of the list. he was ready to learn, but no company was giving him an opportunity until he found creker entertainment.

the company wasn’t big and there weren’t many trainees, but it was enough for him, especially knowing that he could finally fulfill his dreams. he just had to keep practicing, going from the dance practice room to the singing one to the acting one, repeating the same every day. he dedicated most of his day on the company where he met new people, people that maybe in the future would be his group members. that made him extremely happy.

it made him extremely happy getting along with all of them because he used to not have many friends because of his attitude, his way of being, or his lack of free time. but everything changed with these eleven other boys with whom he shared rehearsals. they helped him with what he needed, especially with aspects related to dancing, changmin was his biggest help. a guy near his height, same age, brunette at the time, and a smile that could light up a room. he was the one that he got along with the most.

“chanhee get off your head, we’re practicing” juyeon said from the other side of the room with sweat dripping off his forehead, he looked tired. 

“going. was just resting for a bit” he answered as he got up feeling a little dizzy but kept walking to his place on this choreography, starting to dance to the rhythm of the music.

this was the part of the day that he hated the most, dance practice, mainly those with the dance instructor, jung hyunsuk. he knew he was bad at dancing, it was as clear as water, but he didn’t need someone reminding him every day. he always wanted to escape when he felt his look on him when he took him to the front and asked him to repeat the choreography alone and it never went well. when he raised his hand to hit him for not knowing how to do anything, and he had to contain his tears to not receiving another one. and that went on for three long hours every day until something decent came out.

“are you okay?” younghoon asked getting close to him after the instructor had left the room. chanhee would usually fake a smile and say yes, but today had been too much, he wasn’t in the mood to fake it. “no” he said as tears started rolling down his cheeks freely.

younghoon surrounded the others’ small body attracting the attention of the members that were still in the practice room. they observed as his body was shaking from the tears and the impotence that he felt at the moment. he felt bad because they were just some beatings and criticism, he felt guilty for worrying the others for something so small.

“i’m tired of the intructor, i don’t know why he keeps doing this every time” sangyeon said, wanting to do something but acknowledging his powerless position as a trainee, he could do nothing.

“i hate it, i hate it so much” he looked at the others with tears still falling from his eyes. “we know chanhee” younghoon took the younger again into his arms trying to calm him down.

“chanhee, chanhee” changmin repeated trying to get his attention. “let’s practice, i’ll help you with the choreography that way tomorrow won’t happen the same”

“no way, don’t want to happen the same as last time”

last month for their monthly evaluation they practiced a dance they were just allowed to do while hyunsuk was with them to see their capacities to memorize, but every day the instructor took chanhee to the front and ended up beating him up or insulting him. so sunwoo, juyeon and changmin took matters to their own hands. they stayed late at night until everything was perfect, nevertheless, the next day came and the instructor was unsatisfied. he didn’t like the idea of chanhee doing something right, so instead of punishing him, he punished the ones who helped him. which made him feel worse.

“do i look like i care? i’m helping you and that’s it”,

changmin never accepted a no for an answer, so they started not finishing until 2 a.m., the choreography was hard, the hardest they’ve had until then. but he did his best and got the choreo done.

all he had in mind while waiting for the instructor to come was every step, repeating it until he heard his voice. they formed a line in front of the mirror waiting for his instructions.

“good, it looks like you’re prepared, hyunjun start the song” hyunjun wasn’t participating in this one because of his light injury, so he just watched. this time playing the song that was heard through the speakers making the show begin.

everyone was nervous but the dance kept going and the sound of the shoes against the floor was getting louder, the steps more powerful and the tempo getting faster without resting. until the song finished and everyone had their eyes on hyunsuk who wasn’t getting his eyes off of a certain someone that couldn’t get his eyes off of the floor.

“choi chanhee” he called his name in a strong tone and the younger looked up with fear in his eyes “what did i tell you last time?” 

“i’m sorry hyung-nim”

“who helped you this time?” hyunsuk asked looking at every member getting an idea of who it could be.

“no one, it was no one hyung-nim”

“stop calling me like that if you’re going to keep lying, you know i don’t like this type of bullshit chanhee” hyunsuk got closer this time. “who was it?” he asked closer this time, chanhee just refused to say anything “see you after practice”

changmin tried to get close to confess to him but sunwoo was faster and held his hand to avoid something worse happening. practice kept going but the nervousness on everyone didn’t go away and that got to a lot of mistakes, which just made hyunsuk get in an even worse mood. the steps kept getting harder to do with the passing of the hours and with the lack of food on their stomachs, everyone was exhausted. seeing that the trainer signed them off.

“chanhee” the smaller stopped what he was doing looking at the others worried, sangyeon stayed as the others left.

“hyunsuk hyung i can stay if it’s something important” sangyeon tried saying to not leave the younger here by himself.

“i don’t need you, you can go”

“but-, hyung-”

he was kicked out with one of his severe looks, leaving not before sending a worried look to the trembling figure that was in front of the trainer. chanhee wasn’t moving from his place, keeping his eyes stuck on the floor begging in his mind that everything would end soon, he knew what was going to happen, or at least he thought he knew,

“choi chanhee, you never seem to understand, always the same story, don’t you get tired of being a nuisance everywhere you go” he critiqued getting slowly closer to the younger who felt a hand getting close to his face and prepared himself for the slap, however, it never came, instead of that he felt fingers caressing his cheek. “if you weren’t this pretty i would have already informed the company that nothing could be done with you”

the black-haired started to get scared, trying to get away from the touch of those hands that disgusted him and started to back off from the other to avoid anything he was planning. 

“it won’t do you any good to get away, we’re alone, no kids to get me off you” the hand was again in his cheek this time accompanied by an arm in his waist.

“what are you doing?” he tried to back off again but the hand holding his waist didn’t allow him to, the hold got stronger and fear was dominating over him. “please, hyung-nim”

“call me oppa” now both of his hands were holding his waist slowly going down.

“no! stop, please.”

“you’re so small, your features are so feminine, you look like a girl” his hands were now on his ass, making chanhee struggle to get out of his tough “so fragile and easy to handle, how can this be the body of a boy?” his hands were again on his waist holding on it.

“stop it” and “no” was all that was coming out of his mouth as hands kept touching his body as if he wasn’t hearing anything.

“on your knees” hyunsuk ordered tired of chanhee’s bullshit, and that’s when the younger understood what was going on and tears started to fall from his eyes.

his body shaking, he felt as if he had lost all his strength making him fall on the floor, where he surrounded his legs with his knees trying to protect himself. he found himself in a similar situation with some of his old bosses, but he never thought he would be in this situation again. especially never thought it would happen when he was so close to making his dream come true.

“chanhee stop the bullshit, i can do this the good way or the bad way which i can assure you won’t like” the younger didn’t listen fear not letting him move. “chanhee, on your knees” this time was louder, almost sounding like an angry animal.

the smaller one got on his knees the best he could as he was still trembling, tears were still falling from his eyes and he couldn’t stop sobbing. chanhee listened to how he opened his belt, followed by the zipper and then he felt a pull from his hair which made him gasp loudly. his eyes opened from the pain and he wanted to close them again immediately, retching got over him from what he was seeing. the older's dick was in front of his eyes and his head was being guided to it by the hand still strongly holding his hair.

“no, no, no… please, i’d do anything else, please” he stammered trying to move to make everything stop.

“do you think i’ll feel bad for such a worthless human being?” he laughed as he got a hold of chanhee’s hair after he left it for a moment. “open your mouth, i know you like to do this, no need to feel shy” 

denying was worth nothing because hyunsuk kept insisting as if this was completely normal and he was consenting to do it, which was completely the opposite of what was happening. he felt so disgusted by the older as he got one finger inside his mouth and he started panicking. he didn’t know what to do to avoid the situation anymore, how to get away, how to make everything stop.

helpless.

that’s what he felt when the older’s dick was inside his mouth and he started hearing the noises that were coming from hyunsuk’s mouth. his body was paralyzed, as if nothing was real, like a nightmare.

“very good, that’s how i like you, submissive” he moaned, holding the younger’s hair and now penetrating his mouth.

he was gagging so bad, his tears kept running down his cheeks unstoppable and his legs felt numb in the position that he was in. time was against him because every second felt like an hour and he couldn’t wait to the moment when this stopped and he could go to his bed, sleep, wake up and that everything was actually a nightmare. a very realistic nightmare.

he felt a liquid in his throat and guessed that everything was over, but this had just started.

“swallow” he whispered in his ear which chanhee didn’t follow, the first thing he did was spit it on the floor. “you think you’re the shit, right? he whispered again but this time he smashed his small head against the floor.

he started to cough and cry even more from the pain, but it didn’t finish there, he held both his wrists against the floor. the younger moved all he could to try and avoid anything he was trying to do, but he hit his stomach making him cough even more. the difference from the other hit was that now he was also feeling a delicate hand on his private parts.

“please, no more, please” chanhee was sobbing, he couldn’t stay still.

pain on his cheeks,

on his arms.

his stomach.

his legs.

until everything became black and he wasn’t feeling anything. 


	2. lee sangyeon

chanhee woke up on an unknown sofa, in an unknown room and that scared him more than the pain that he was feeling in his body. he tried to get up but whimpers were all that was coming out of him, and suddenly the door opened. 

“look who woke up” exclaimed the voice getting close to him.

he felt an unbearable pain go through his body as he saw who the man that was coming close was.

“i have a few terms that we have to go through before i let you leave” hyunsuk sentenced with a powerful voice as if he didn’t care who listened outside that room. “this stays between us, if someone finds out about this not just you’ll receive the consequences, but also the rest of the members. and if you decide to say anything, i hope you know that the company won’t believe a word, and what will happen is that the victim will change. who do you think could be interesting? eric is so innocent, changmin is also a good option, maybe even sunwoo or haknyeon” the younger started to cry again hearing the other’s words, he felt bad that this was happening to him, but it’d be even worse if it happened to one of his friends. “so that being said, i believe you know what to do”

and he guessed that was his sign to leave the room, he stood up noticing his nakedness, and with that, the shame rose. _what had happened?_

“you look so pretty like that, such a pity you have to put clothes on” he murmured checking out the younger from his place on the sofa now. “the clothes are there” his eyes followed the place the hand was signaling some clothes.

he tried to cover up the most he could with his hands, he felt his heart beating too fast, but that wasn’t enough covering because he felt a spanking as he was getting to the clothes. His legs felt weak, he felt completely weak, naked and everything hurts. either way, that didn’t stop him from dressing up and leaving the fastest he could to the dorms, getting as far as possible from hyunsuk that was looking at him inappropriately and that hours ago did to him god knows what.

so he dressed up as fast as he could on the clothes that he didn’t recognize as his but that was strangely his size, or at least a size bigger. after that he left, without saying a word to the man that was just observing in silence, he ran to the first bathroom he found and that’s where he saw himself in the mirror for the first time.

a red mark covered his right cheek, fingerprints were covering his neck, lips were swollen and his eyes red and swollen too. he thanked to not be able to see the rest of his body as he was covered in clothes because from the pain he was feeling nothing good seemed to be there. he lowered the collar of his shirt a little to see what he had and when he saw the round purple marks the retching came and he threw up on the first toilet he could find. after that he stayed seated on the floor, his body shaking from all the sobbing. 

after what seemed like an eternity on that toilet’s floor he stood up, getting out of the company and heading down the dorms, where the members were probably waiting. he wasn’t prepared to lie to them, wasn’t prepared to see anyone, how would he explain the mark on his face or the fingerprints on his neck, or the rest of the marks that he knew were on his body? he was just wishing that they were sleeping to avoid explanations, but luck wasn’t on his side because as he entered the dorms the first thing he saw was the members around the living room.

“chanhee hyung” eric was the first one to approach him, as the rest were analyzing the situation. the hug he got from eric hurt, letting a groan out of his mouth. 

“are you okay?” sangyeon got close passing his hand through the wound in his cheek, chanhee got away not just because of the pain he felt also because it reminded him of hyunsuk’s touch.

“yes” he answered keeping in what he felt and faking a smile.

“chanhee we can perfectly see what you have on your face, you can’t fucking lie to us like that” hyunjae said from his place on the sofa next to juyeon.

“can i just go to sleep?” he whispered teary-eyed trying not to start crying there.

sangyeon, who was the one he had the closest and could perfectly see where this was going, he nodded and let him go. chanhee proceeded to walk slowly to the room he shared with eric. meanwhile, the conversation kept going in the living room and the worry didn’t go away.

“this isn’t normal any more guys, the issue with hyunsuk hyung has been going on for too long. we can’t let him do this to chanhee, he doesn’t deserve to be hit just because he’s mistaken in a few steps” changmin exclaimed.

“changmin you have to understand that we have no power over him, do you think i haven’t tried to talk to creker? no one sees it as something serious, for them it’s _“just hits for him to learn how to dance”_ " sangyeon answered with a calming voice, even though he wasn’t calm at all inside.

the discussion continued for about an hour more until they noticed that they weren’t helping at all and that it was too late to be screaming like that. so they left the conversation in a coma because this wasn’t finished; they’d finish it when chanhee explained what happened because they couldn’t base everything on suspicions. 

eric entered his room crossing the adorable image of chanhee sleeping on the bottom bunk, which he was the one that usually used. he didn’t mind, chanhee looked too tired to get to the top one, and the image he had in front did compensate for everything. youngjae and chanhee are so different, but through the differences, they got to a strange friendship that was brought up mostly by the fact that they shared a room. there were moments they couldn’t stand each other, youngjae with his aegyo and chanhee kicking him out screaming. but at that moment the sweetness appeared and the only thing he wanted to do was hug him even though he knew that when chanhee woke up he would throw him from the highest bridge he could find.

so he stretched on the other side of the bed and hugged him from behind, chanhee felt the other’s presence but had no strength to do anything, he just wanted to sleep and forget everything. or remember everything that happened after he had blacked out a few hours ago.

_ he felt immense pain in his head, he tried to move but his body hurt everywhere. his arms that didn’t hurt as much were searching for something that seemed familiar, an object, the touch of the floor, or someone. but he felt nothing, just a few steps that as the seconds went by they sounded louder. he felt as if he was in a scary movie, his heart was beating too fast and he felt as if it was going to get off his chest. the sound of the steps kept increasing and with that the fastness of the beating of his heart, tears started falling from his eyes still not knowing what the danger was. until he felt hands holding him onto the floor alongside a distant voice.  _

_ “this will be fun, princess. i’m sure you’re gonna enjoy it.” _

_ the voice sounded distant but the touch didn’t, and the screams and sobbing didn’t stop. the body still pressing down on him avoiding his violent movement.  _

_ “please, stop. i don’t want this! stop it!” _

“chanhee!” his name was being repeated multiple times but this time the voice was closer, he still couldn’t open his eyes, too scared. but the voice was insisting until he could open his eyes as he recognized the voice. 

“e-eric?” he asked, finding the worried look of the other. 

“are you okay?” eric asked, having no idea of what had just happened he woke up with screams and the constant movement of the other's body on the bed.

he didn’t know what to answer, tried to wipe out the tears, and proceed to fake as if it was a normal nightmare. that everything that he dreamt felt too real.

“who were you telling to stop? chanhee, for real, is everything okay?” eric tried to get closer to the younger but the older got away from the touch getting up from the bed almost falling.

_ “fuck, i forgot to eat” _

“nothing, just a nightmare. going to the bathroom”

everything was happening too fast and as he had the bathroom door closed and opened the water from the tap, he started crying again _“what if the dream was all a memory? hyunsuk hyung wouldn’t do something like that, right? i was just naked when i woke up. maybe he felt bad after all that, and when i blacked out he just left me. but his attitude-”_ his thoughts were stopped by a loud bang on the door.

“chanhee, can we talk?” younghoon asked with a worried tone.

“not now, i’m… i’m…”

“chanhee open the fucking door”

he had no other option as to open the door and that was what he did, trying to clean up his face so it wouldn’t be that noticeable that he had cried and he opened the door. a body crashed into his and long arms wrapped around him; he couldn’t contain the tears as he kept crying on the older’s arms. 

“everything will be okay, i don’t know what happened but it’ll be fine” younghoon murmured calming against his ear.

he knew that nothing was going to be okay, that he hadn’t seen the marks around his body, and even if he saw he couldn’t tell him anything because of hyunsuk’s threads, he could do nothing. just cry and fake as if it was just another day that it was just another beating. 

_ but was it just a beating? _

_ he didn’t know. _

_ he knew nothing.  _

younghoon had left him in the bathroom half an hour ago so he could shower, and he had been exactly half an hour sat on the toilet without getting the courage to take off his clothes and see his body in the mirror. one thing was feeling the pain and the other was seeing that everything was real and seeing it plastered on his body. he knew when he heard a couple of knocks on the door that he had to hurry up, no need to give more explanations than necessary. 

he had always been good at lying or hiding his feelings, it wouldn’t be complicated to lie to them. the problem was that part of him wanted to tell them, them to help him, that they got that man in jail, but he saw very clearly that justice didn’t work like that. the company wouldn’t let something like that happen and that telling them would just ruin his dream.

so with those thoughts, he started to undress with his eyes glued on the mirror because it was better to see it through the mirror than on his own skin, but that didn’t make it better. tears started slipping again either way: he had a huge bruise on his stomach that covered half of it, his chest was covered with marks that he did not recognize, on his hops he could recognize the mark of some hands, and his thighs were covered of all type of colors. that’s where he stopped looking. tears and sobs camouflaged by the sound of the water falling on his skin.

he found himself seated at the dining table a couple of minutes before they had to leave to the company, to keep going with practice. only the cutlery sound against the plates could be heard, no one was talking, which made him feel guilty. he didn’t like that dynamic, but he didn’t want them to ask questions that he couldn’t answer either.

“hyunjae, can you pass me the nutella?” sunwoo asked from the other side of the table.

“it’s hyung for you, a little respect.”

the comments were between them but both eyes were focused on him, he convinced himself that it was all part of his paranoia. until hyunjae talked to him.

“uhm, chanhee, aren’t you going to eat?”

he fell out of his trance and observed the full plate of rice from which he had just eaten a bite, which wasn’t enough to look as if he had eaten.

“let’s get going! you know how youngmi noona gets when we get there late” he smiled getting close to the door to put on his shoes. 

they got to the company not long after, a couple of confused looks coming his way from the members that didn’t go unnoticed, but he was going to ignore them. forgetting and faking that everything was fine was easier than facing it.

the problem was that not being able to remember was his biggest problem at the moment because the thought that something more than what he remembered had happened was eating him up. the hours were going by and practice was going on, the tiredness was noticeable on his steps but none of the members seemed to want to tell him anything. the floor was starting to turn and the lack of food on his stomach was starting to affect him more every second, like the stinging pain in his stomach; where he had the huge purple mark that he felt every time he extended his arms for one of the steps. but he didn’t stop until everyone was resting after four long hours practicing a single choreography, he searched for support on the mirrors until his breath started evening out.

he felt a large hand on his shoulder and with fear in his eyes he got away, the sudden reaction made him a little dizzy. the hand that was on his shoulder was now holding his hand. everything was burning and he just wanted to get away, he didn’t like to feel like this. 

“youngmi has sent us a message telling us that the company has something to tell us” sangyeon looked the happiest he had ever seen him.

chanhee’s eyes started sparkling at the thought of what it was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is the company going to tell them? what is the meaning of the name of the chapters?  
> hope you liked it!! leave your theories in the comments. i'll be reading :))


	3. lee juyeon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clear warning!! read the tags again and make sure you're not triggered by anything in there.   
> this was the hardest chapter to write, kind of tried to express my trauma through chanhee, but even if it is a fictional character i didn't want him to go through so much. so yeah, uhm, hope you like the chapter?

“you are debuting” the ceo said once all of them were seated in the meeting room. “once you finish with flower snack, we’ll be announcing a debut date depending on the attention that the show gets”.

they had known about flower snack for a month now, but they had no idea it would be a step into debuting, the surprised and happy faces were all around the room. changmin shared his happiest face hugging the members he had closest as tight as he could. everyone looked so happy, even the ceo was sharing a kind smile with the rest of the members, which was strange to them. since they only saw him when they did something wrong and he had a serious face on. 

“let’s hope for the best reviews on flower snack to get you to debut as twelve, we will talk about more details when the date is near. fighting!” once he left the room everyone hugged each other.

“guys, we did it, we are going to debut” haknyeon said with tears in his eyes. 

but they couldn’t stay celebrating too long, practice was still needed, and more meetings were coming for the day. they looked at the schedule and sighed, packed, it was too packed, but no one complained. 

chanhee looked around, he was so happy, he was excited, he felt so many things at the same time, but emptiness filled his mind. he couldn’t get too happy, he was still disappointing the members in every dance practice, he still wasn’t the best vocalist in the group, hyunjae still getting more lines in every song they made, his personality didn’t stand out and still was shy on camera. he was such a mess, scared that if only something went wrong they still could kick him out anytime before they announced the members. 

he let those thoughts go as he entered his vocal room to practice for some time before he had to go to the first official schedule of the day, and then prepare himself for dance practice. changmin decided to seek help in him today and entered the room with a smile, to avoid getting a no from his proposal. 

“yes, yes, i’ll help you. just don’t take too long, since i also have to prepare and we only have an hour” chanhee said.

“get it”

the time went by fast in a blink of an eye he was already exhausted lying down on the living room’s sofa. everyone was tired as well, so none of them decided to talk, juyeon got up from where he was on the floor, and went to the sofa, placing chanhee’s head on his lap so he could sit there.

“how can your short ass occupy the whole sofa?” hyunjae exclaimed from somewhere else on the floor.

“if you wanted the place you would’ve arrived earlier” chanhee said still his eyes closed enjoying juyeon hand petting his hair. 

“still waiting for someone in this house to refer to me has hyung, i see none of y’all doing the same to jacob or younghoon, we are the same age”

“sorry, hyung” chanhee chuckled and looked at hyunjae who was giving him a nasty look.

“did the manager also talk to you about the dieting?” sangyeon said.

“oh my god, yes he did, does he expect us to starve or what?” hyunjun answered annoyed by the managers’ needs for them. 

“we’re human not fucking sticks, we’re supposed to have muscles and stuff to dance. i didn’t know they’d be that harsh” changmin said getting comfortable in the place he was sitting in.

they kept talking as chanhee fell into his own thoughts, his mind was still in that practice room, hyunsuk’s hands still all over his body, his body held down onto the floor, and then black. today didn’t help him at all with remembering, during dance practice he was as usual, as if nothing happened, while the younger was left shaking and overthinking, hyunsuk was just… silent. 

“let’s go to bed, it’s already late and tomorrow is gonna be a long day” sangyeon said getting up and leaving to go to his room. 

juyeon tried to get up but chanhee clung to his thigh making it impossible for him to get up without making him fall in the way. 

“i like it here” chanhee said getting comfortable as if his thigh was a pillow.

“wanna cuddle?” juyeon asked since he could kinda tell why chanhee was acting like this, it usually just happened when he didn’t want to sleep alone because of his overthinking.

chanhee nodded looking up at him with puppy eyes, juyeon guided them both to the room he shared with younghoon and sunwoo. the room was bigger than the one he shared with eric, but it was pretty understandable since they were more people. younghoon was the only one in the room when they entered, he looked up from his phone to see the image of juyeon holding chanhee from his waist so immediately he looked back at his phone as if his heart didn’t start beating faster. 

juyeon held chanhee close, the younger feeling small against his hold and letting his breath relax until he fell into a deep sleep. juyeon looked at how cute the younger looked, with his hair falling on his face, lips slightly parted and hand lightly holding the other’s that’s holding his waist. after some seconds he began to feel weird looking at his member like that, immediately stopping and letting himself sleep, tomorrow was going to be a long day. 

_ he felt hands all over his body, it was burning, like fire against his skin. it didn’t feel like when you burnt your finger trying to open the stove, it was a tingling sense of fire, burning slowly. he started screaming as the feeling increased, a hand covering his mouth. a hand holding both his hands over his head. a hand touching his private parts. what was going on? he felt like screaming again but his mouth was covered, he felt powerless. he started struggling against the other person’s hold, he looked up finally being able to open his eyes.  _

_ it was hyunsuk, his eyes full of lust, he felt like throwing up but couldn’t. too scared. sobbing and shaking he let the man do whatever he wanted unable to say no.  _

_ but now it wasn’t a soft touch, he felt hands hitting him, a punch in the face, a kick in the stomach. it hurt so bad. _

_ “stop, please, i don’t want this!”  **he could talk?** he started screaming as he could finally use his voice. _

“chanhee, chanhee!” his name was being repeated by a voice he recognized. he was being pulled out now, he didn’t know where he was going until he opened his eyes to somewhere else. 

he looked up and saw two pairs of eyes looking at him.

“what the fuck is going on chanhee?” juyeon asked his eyes still sleepy from just being woken up.

“what do you mean?” chanhee’s skin was burning again, juyeon was holding his hands, and younghoon was holding him by an arm, he was shaking now, just wanted to get away.

“you were literally screaming to stop, that you didn’t want this, what?” younghoon said now, chanhee sat up getting off both their holds.

“i-, just a nightmare, i don’t remember exactly what it was” he remembered every single second. 

he looked away as both of them looked at him with disbelief, he got up getting away from both of them. 

“it’s probably late, you should wake up sunwoo for him to go to school” chanhee said as he exited the room. 

he washed his face in the bathroom and then got to the kitchen where he saw kevin cooking some eggs.

“need help?” he offered to the guy that looked kinda stressed.

“yes, actually, can you help me with the rice? good morning by the way”

“morning”

he did what he was told to, washed the water and then put it into the rice cooker, then cut some vegetables to go with the rice and the eggs. as they both finished they served the food on the table and every member that came in, ate and left to dress up. so chanhee did the same thing, he was getting to his room when he saw sunwoo running around the house, probably trying to find one of his textbooks or something he had lost. last week he lost his phone around the dorm and woke up everyone at 5 a.m. to help him find it with his screams, they found it in one of his jacket’s pocket. he wasn’t expecting much of him.

“hyung, have you seen my backpack?” he asked stopping him on his track.

“i don’t think so but, how do you lose a backpack?” 

“ i don’t know, i just want to sleep” sunwoo answered as he kept running around.

chanhee laughed at him and got to his room to start dressing up, eric wasn’t there since he had already left so he could comfortably change there. he wore a white t-shirt and black shorts, today would be spent practicing a new dance, so he needed to be the most comfortable possible. they all left the dorms with their bags getting to the company in no time since it wasn’t that far. 

the day went by fast, too fast if you asked chanhee, especially since they had spent all the time learning a new choreography. those were the hardest days because you had to get used to every step and then put them together. the black-haired didn’t have a lot of experience with dancing, so the whole process was harder and it got to be the worst when hyunsuk entered the dance practice room. eric, sunwoo and hyunjun had got back from school an hour ago, they kind of knew the choreography by now.

“i sent the choreography video at 9 a.m. so you’ve had seven hours to learn it all” hyunsuk said as he stood in front of the twelve boys.

“we had to learn the whole choreography?” changmin asked very surprised, a look that he shared with the rest of the members.

“yeah, of course. it’s easier than others you’ve done, it shouldn’t take that long” he answered crossing his arms starting to look mad. 

“i-, we thought we had to just go down the chorus and the dance break, sorry hyung” juyeon bowed down to him and the rest of the members followed. 

“show me what you did” he said signaling hyunjun to begin the music, he was dancing the chorus with them but not the dance break since it would be forcing his ankle too much. 

when their part began they started dancing, following what they had been learning all those hours, their choreography was tiring, they moved a lot their legs and after the hours of learning the same move, they hurt. but they kept going, everything was going perfectly until eric changing places bumped into chanhee, and everything from there went downhill. both of them got so nervous, failing in all the steps that came after. chanhee wanted to cry because he knew what was going to happen, he didn’t want to be called useless again, he thought he was finally getting better. the music stop and they all were silent, their breaths were the only thing that could be heard. 

“where is the fucking professionalism? what was this? is this what an idol group that’s debuting in like three months does?” he screamed at them, looking very angry. “chanhee come forward” the older said and he got close knowing what was coming. “what was that? when you bump into someone you keep going as if nothing happened, but that wasn’t the worst, your body was too stiff” he said lightly hitting his torso.

“i’m sorry, hyunsuk hyung, it won’t happen again” he said bowing down to the older. hyunsuk didn’t look satisfied looking away. “meet me after practice is done, we’ll work on the moves you lack on” chanhee stiffened taking a step backward. 

“yes, hyung. i’m sorry” he bowed again and got back to his place on the line.

his mind was blank, completely blank for the rest of the practice, his innocent thoughts were ruling and he believed that hyunsuk just wanted to see him to help him with the dance, maybe he felt sympathy and didn’t want to slow down the collective practice. but even though his thoughts were filled with this, his nervousness couldn’t be controlled, with the memory of what happened last time he was left alone with him. this time none of the members looked that worried, which calmed him down a little, if they weren’t worried he shouldn’t be either. right?

“we’re done for today, if you get too tired after the dance, go to the gym tomorrow morning. it will help with your stamina. fighting!” he said and the members started to collect their things leaving the room, some of them too tired to look.

today none of them tried to stay, eric did look at him with an apologetic look, maybe feeling guilty, but he waved it off with a small smile. when they were all gone he felt hyunsuk’s stance change, but he ignored the red flags. 

“okay, let’s start from the beginning, let’s see if it got better through practice” hyunsuk started the music and let him follow the music.

he did all he knew, trying to be sharper with his movements, trying to change his facial expressions, he did everything he could to get the dance done the best he could. he didn’t want to get hit anymore, he just wanted to be like the rest of the members, finish practice and get back home without bruises around their bodies. the dance finished, and with that he stood in the middle of the room, catching his breath and trying to calm his trembling hands. 

“what the fuck was that?” the exclamation came so fast, just like the push that made him fall onto the floor. 

“wh-what?” he questioned looking up at the man that was now towering over him.

“are you deaf now? i didn’t like it, you have to practice, still too stiff. you need to be more graceful.”

hyunsuk held his waist and stood him up, his hand moved from his waist to his right arm, the other hand has stuck in his hip. he was seeing everything from the mirror, he guessed the other man was trying to teach him one of the steps he did wrong. 

“like this, need to keep your body loose, do you get it?” he said moving his arm around.

“y-yes” he stuttered as he felt the hands traveling down his body, the look on his eyes was changing, he didn’t like that look, it reminded him of that night. 

“do you remember the other day? how pretty you looked with my dick fucking those plump lips of yours?” hyunsuk said so calmly, it sent shivers around his body, the hands kept going down. “oh, of course, my mistake. you couldn’t see it, will these beautiful mirrors help today?” he asked graving his chin and getting his body closer to his, so close that he could feel him from behind. 

“let go of me, please. i don’t want this” chanhee said closing his eyes too scared to open them to the view of that monster still touching through his body. 

“don’t worry you will like it. as long as i don’t hear more words coming out of that pretty mouth of yours” a hand was now placed on his private parts, he was struggling against his hold, he couldn’t get away, and all that hand did was massage him through the shorts. 

that’s when the realization hit chanhee, he could guess what was going to happen, the same as last time, he would force himself in him again. he still couldn’t get the taste of him out of his mouth, how would he handle it again. 

“no, no, stop, please” he was now using his arms that were freed, but the man was still stronger, in those moments he wished he had followed sangyeon’s advice to start going to the gym with him. he wished he could have known that strength would be of great use at that moment, he felt so helpless.

“what did i fucking say?” he said holding him down onto the floor, hyunsuk was now between his legs and holding his hands over his head. he wished he hadn’t talked, he hated this position so much since he was feeling the other’s dick against his own. 

nothing could help him now, he was being stripped out of his clothes against his will, every time a scream came out of his mouth a hit or a slap was directed to his stomach, arms, thighs, or face, each one on a different place. his body felt weaker and weaker as the seconds went by, but he wasn’t stopping. he was naked now, his clothes somewhere unknown in the practice room. but it wasn’t as unknown as he thought when he felt his hands being tied together with a fabric that he recognized as his shirt. 

“let go! let me go! stop!” hyunsuk’s hands were now running through his torso, after going through his thighs, opening them up more. 

both arms weren’t being held anymore, so he used up all his strength in hitting him in the head with them. he looked startled, hands holding tighter and eyes looking angrier.  _ fuck fuck fuck.  _ the man hadn’t even moved, he didn’t look hurt at all, all he looked was angry, very angry. 

“you little shit made me angry enough, don’t worry you’ll get what you deserve” he slapped and then proceeded to open up more his legs.

that’s when tears started running from his eyes, he couldn’t do anything else, he felt at fault for being so naive and not asking one of the members to stay. tears were blurring his vision but he could still feel what the other was doing, he spread open his asscheeks, his head going down. he felt a tongue going down his dick, it was getting involuntarily hard, he hated it. maybe the man thought he was enjoying it, he wasn’t at all, he felt so dirty.

“no” and “stop it” kept being said by him as he felt his ass being abused, the two fingers that were coming in and out his ass hurt so much, the spit was definitely not enough lubrication. but the older didn’t mind, he opened his eyes to see if he was finished since he wasn’t feeling anything. but he wished he had left them closed, hyunsuk’s dick was being aligned in his asshole. it hurt, it hurt so bad, his ass was on fire, and he felt his walls tearing. 

his mind kept wishing for someone to enter and stop this, to get the heavy weight of the other off his body. those thoughts stopped when he started hearing hyunsuk’s moans and him going faster. he just felt numb, his body too tired to keep struggling. the man kept going harder flipping him and pulling from his hair, making him look into the mirror in front of him. he wanted to puke so bad, but he didn’t even have the strength for that. the mirror had never looked so dirty, even after all those all-nighters practicing they pulled there. 

his body collapsed against the floor when hyunsuk pulled out, leaving him there, his body unable to move from all the pain he was feeling. at least he knew that it all finished, probably that was the only thing keeping him awake, the thought of everything being done with. 

“dress up and go back to the dorms, remember what i said last day” hyunsuk said with a slap to his ass leaving the room. 

chanhee got the strength to stand up after some minutes, his legs were shaky and pain rose through his lower back. but he kept going putting on his clothes trying all he could to not look in the mirror, he saw enough today. he got out of the company and began his way to the dorm rooms. 

it felt longer than usual, nevertheless, he got there hesitating a bit but opening up the door, surprised by the complete silence in there. the lights were all off except the one from the kitchen, he got to the toilet in silence. keeping in the winces that he wanted to get out every time he walked. he got rid of his clothes and opened the hot water, letting his tears start to flow as he saw the blood on the floor. he scrubbed his skin all he could trying to make hyunsuk’s touch leave, when nothing worked he started scratching, leaving red marks all over his arms. they stung but not enough. he was desperate to get the feeling away. he wanted to stop feeling dirty, he wanted to stop feeling like trash. 

he dressed up his skin burning, he wanted to sleep so bad, he wanted everything to go away, go back in time and just run away. run all he could. _did this happen to other idols? was he the only one? was this supposed to be normal?_

“chanhee!” juyeon said when he got out of the shower, he hugged him smelling him as he usually did. but he couldn’t help the pure pain that he was feeling as he held him in his arms.

“g-get off” chanhee said pushing him off his body.

“don’t you want to share bed today? you helped me sleep yesterday” juyeon said with puppy eyes getting close again holding him from the waist as he usually did, but this time it felt so much different, he didn’t like the feeling, it reminded him of hyunsuk. just like the hand that was ruffling his hair, chanhee slapped the hand away.

“please, don’t touch me” chanhee said his eyes filling up with tears, but not letting none come out.

he was scared, his body was shaking, but juyeon didn’t notice, as he didn’t notice his limping going to his room, or the unusual pinkness of his body, or the marks that could still be seen on his body with the clothes he was wearing. or at least that’s what chanhee wanted to believe, that he didn’t notice it, and not that he was blatantly ignoring it. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave your theories to the next chapter in the comments or the tile of the chapters!! some for this one were correct, lol. wanted to answer them but didn't want to spoil anything.   
> just going to say that the next one is going to have a pretty big time jump :))


	4. heo hyunjun

chanhee sat on the black sofa of the music show’s waiting room, legs crossed and eyes glued to his phone. the scene around him was no different. younghoon, changmin and sunwoo were also in similar positions looking at their phones; hyunjae and jacob were talking with one of the stylists; eric was discussing with sangyeon; juyeon and kevin were warming up in one of the corners, and haknyeon and hyunjun were just randomly sprawled where they could. although it was supposed to be quiet, screams could be heard once in a while, some of them started singing randomly or you could hear the noise from the blow dryer fixing up one of the members’ hair. 

the room was fairly small for a twelve-member boy group, but they had to deal with it the best they could. none of them complained. especially because they were going to do something they loved, not enjoy the commodity of the waiting room, or that is what they liked to believe. they loved performing, but waking up at 5 a.m. after a sleepless night to go and perform the same song multiple times wasn’t as fun. on top of that, they had to smile while doing all of that, ‘cause bloom bloom didn’t allow any sad or gloomy faces. 

chanhee went through his twitter timeline, then going to look at deobis’ comments under his last post. most of them followed the same line of compliments, which usually bosted up his confidence, but once in a while, he found some comments he preferred not reading. he was sensitive, which didn’t go well with the job he’s doing, he’s always known, that’s why he hides it all under his overly confident self on-stage. because he didn’t want to look weak, he didn’t want to look like a target, someone easy to break, not again. 

the manager came after some time and they had to prepare to go on stage and perform. maybe bloom bloom was hard, singing live while dancing and smiling, was hard. but they pulled it off so well as if they were enjoying everything, and it wasn’t a complete lie. every hardship came with a prize, and that prize came not too long after. when they got their first win on a music show on the 7th of May, a day they weren’t performing on stage, but they made sure to thank the fans every way they could. the first win was every rookie’s dream, and it was a step further to get everything they wished for. the euphoria, the delight, the excitement, the accomplishment, the proudness, even sadness. all came at once when they got the trophy. 

mihawk, their new choreographer, came and congratulated them saying he came with good news. something that excited every member, ecstatic to know what the great news were. 

“you got invited to an idols party” mihawk said once he settled in front of all of them. 

“wait, what? are you for real hyung?” sangyeon asked looking around seeing other confused but also excited looks. 

“yeah, why would i be lying? got the call not long ago, the ceo told me to inform you immediately since it would be your first one. have to give a good impression!”

“oh my god, yes! but isn’t it like dangerous? like, so many famous people in one place” kevin asked.

“as long as the minors don’t drink everything is fine, these parties are normal. you just have to have fun, don’t worry too much! we wouldn’t get you there if it wasn’t safe, plus you’ll get to promote to fellow idols”

mihawk gave them a reassuring smile, much different to what he was used to from instructors. he gave them tips and made sure everyone was happy with the idea, even though that wasn’t part of his job, he did it. still, with all good minhawk did, chanhee was still scared. scared of letting his guard down, of trusting too much, of trusting again and allowing everything to happen again. 

the party was a week after, it was going to be in a hotel on the outskirts of seoul, to avoid any unnecessary attention. they all dressed up, the best they could to give a good impression. chanhee was wearing black ripped skinny jeans, a white graphic shirt tucked in the jeans, and a black choker around his neck. the skinny jeans were kind of out of his comfort zone, having to readjust them once in a while. he didn’t end up changing because of the members complimenting his look, he didn’t want to disappoint them with a different outfit. 

they were divided into two different cars, he was in the loudest one, no comparison. having changmin and hyunjae together was definitely no good idea. he was enjoying their banter with his head in juyeon’s shoulder, it didn’t take long for them to shut up about whatever they were fighting about and starting to sing the song that was playing through the radio. they were seriously too random, but he never complained, he laughed so much with them. changmin always being there to make him laugh when he looked too tired to breathe after practice and hyunjae bothering him so much that he had to laugh to brush it off. their dynamic was completely weird, but they just lived with it. juyeon was the one you could consider normal, well, sometimes, he had the clearest mindset amongst the ones in that car, being kind, innocent and playful made juyeon downright perfect.

they reached the building long after, it looked huge from where they saw it. a big modern hotel in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by just a couple of buildings and restaurants, but nothing compared to how crowded it was in the middle of seoul. the cars crowded the parking lot, meaning that the party was going to be crowded. he wondered for some time who exactly was paying for all of this, but left that thought with no answer and followed his members to the inside of the hotel. he stayed close to hyunjun, the first member that he found when he got off, wanting to avoid staying alone.

the insides of the hotel were even more impressive, it all looked so luxurious. the tables, the sofas, the chandelier shining over them, everything. it was all so pretty, chanhee looked so amazed, hyunjun sharing the feeling commenting about everything he found pretty while they were walking to their destination. he guessed they were getting to the place where the loud music was, the music they could hear since they entered and as they walked it kept going louder and louder. none of them were used to such loud music, usually having in-ears during performances where loud music was played. but this was so much different from that. 

the lights were dimmed only having a couple of neon-colored lights around the place, music was blasting through the multiple speakers, alcoholic drinks were being thrown around, and you could definitely see a couple of people making out. sangyeon told some of the members again not to drink or at least to not drink too much, because even though they were around fellow idols they should be careful. most of them went to search for their friends or people they recognized to catch up since they didn’t have much time being in the middle of promotions. chanhee was left alone not having other idol friends, and not being capable of interacting with the people that were currently looking at him. he became anxious, palms sweating and body slightly shaking, his heart was beating too fast now. changmin looked at him from where he was talking with yugyeom who approached him when he entered the room. but now he was making his way to chanhee who looked very disoriented. 

“chanhee, are you okay?” changmin asked tapping the other on the shoulder.

“uhm, yeah… just kind of… you know” chanhee was rambling, he didn’t look like he was having as much fun as other members, so he got an idea. 

“wanna loosen up a little” he gave him one of his smiles and guided him to the friends he was with before, where many drinks were sprawled on the table. he took one of them and handed it to the older with no hesitation.

chanhee drank it feeling the burning down his throat, that was definitely now soju. he was used to the soft taste of some alcoholic drinks because of the company’s dinner, but this one was different. it didn’t that sweet, at all, it was pure bitterness.

“changmin, this is disgusting” chanhee exclaimed making the others around the table laugh, the pink-haired just now realizing the presence of other people in there. 

“take this one, i swear it’s better, pink boy” the man he recognized as hyunjin said, giving him a reddish drink that looked like wine, and of course also tasted like it. 

“thank you, i’m chanhee” he smiled at the other boy who was looking at him attentively as he cracked a laugh.

“yeah, i know, it just fits you. hyunjin by the way” hyunjin shook his hand and chanhee looked around seeing some of his seniors getting distracted at the number of people. “i also got distracted the first time that we came to one of these parties, so many idols, but some of them are… you know”

“what do you mean?” 

“some of them are trash, they try to hide it, but after observing so much you just realize” he took a pause to drink from his cup. “it’s so sad that they act all innocent on camera”.

“wow, i never realized. they just all look so nice, i just want to befriend everyone”

“be careful, don’t get fooled”

hyunjin left after some time of talking, they just kept the conversation about their schedules or singers that they enjoyed nowadays, it was fun but superficial. he talked with other idols that found themselves around the table. he talked to minghao about one of the outfits that he saw he wore, him thanking the compliment. he complimented chuu on her group’s comeback, butterfly, and told her that he loved the song. he talked to many people, but it all felt pretty superficial, none of them lasted more than three minutes. until he came. 

“oh my god, hello” he bowed down impressed at the man in front of him. 

“hey, who are you?” the question would have sounded rude to anyone else, but chanhee was too infatuated looking at his idol right in front of him.

“i’m new from the boyz, you can call me chanhee” chanhee’s smile was the brightest it had been the whole night.

“chanhee, pretty name for a pretty face” the other said as the younger started blushing at the compliment.

“thank you, minhyuk sunbaenim” he said bowing again.

“you can just call me hyung” minhyuk smiled at him and chanhee nodded. “how was the night? have you been to one of these parties before?”

“the night was great, i talked to some seniors and juniors, everyone is so kind, and yeah, it’s my first time” 

“have you danced tonight?” minhyuk asked and chanhee responded with a faint no. “then what are you waiting for? that’s where all the fun is in”.

he dragged to the dance floor by minhyuk seeing some of the members on the way: younghoon and juyeon were together drinking; haknyeon was talking with some girl he didn’t recognize just like hyunjae. he looked around and didn’t see the rest of them, he didn’t know if it was because they weren’t there or because his vision was starting to get blurry. he hadn’t realized the amount of alcohol he had had until he moved from the place he had stood in the whole night. he had to hold on the other’s arm tighter seeking stability, making him look back, seeing the rosy cheeks of the younger. 

“i didn’t realize you were that drunk” he laughed a little, being almost unhearable over the music if he wasn’t so close. 

“i didn’t realize i had drunk that much” chanhee laughed to holding onto him, people around him were very close, he almost had no space to breathe, but the numbness that the alcohol gave him made him less anxious about everything. 

“it’s okay, you look very cute like this” minhyuk was now much closer now, he didn’t know if it was because he wanted to or because of the people around them, he decided to believe the latter. 

“oh my god, this is so embarrassing. i wasn’t supposed to be like this when i met my idol” he laughed a little looking up at the other. 

“so i’m your idol” minhyuk gave him a questioning look and chanhee became red from the embarrassment.

chanhee felt a strange hand around him and got scared, feeling the alcohol dropping from his body, he saw hyunsuk behind minhyuk, but he couldn’t be here, he wasn’t in the industry anymore, that wasn’t him. 

“chanhee, we need to get going” hyunjun was looking at him with a weird face, probably looking at the tear that was discreetly rolling down his cheek. chanhee nodded at him but before leaving a hand graved him.

“can i get your number?” minhyuk asked giving him his phone, chanhee immediately wrote it down, looking up at him with a smile as he finished he waved goodbye.

hyunjun still holding his wrist taking him outside, the hold getting tighter and tighter, until he stopped were not much people were around. 

“what the fuck was that?” hyunjun asked holding his wrist even tighter, that was definitely going to leave a mark.

“hyunjun, you’re hurting me” the older said trying to get out of his hold. 

“what where you planning to do? make out with him in the middle of all those idols?” hyunjun was trying not to shout, but his voice was still loud enough to catch jacob’s attention who was around. “we know what you are, but we don’t need the whole industry knowing about it” chanhee was looking at him with a confused look, he was still intoxicated but sober enough to know what he was referring to.

he was speechless, he had never expressed directly to any of the members that he liked men. he guessed some of them knew by him never being active in the conversations they had about girls or never really showing attraction to them, but none of them had ever looked uncomfortable about it. but this was something he wasn’t expecting at all, especially not from hyunjun. who had shared before that he had liked some men through his life and he was pretty open about it. 

“what? you don’t talk now? where you going to suck him off just like you did with…”

“hwall, it’s enough, stop it” jacob looked at him with a serious look and hyunjun dropped the hand from his hold. 

chanhee’s vision started being even more blurry. not knowing if it was from the alcohol in his body or the tears that were falling down his face. but he really didn’t care right now.

he just wanted to disappear. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate this chapter so much, i had so many ideas but i feel like di didn't write it well and rushed it too much. plus i have to say that minhyuk isn't monsta x's minhyuk nor btob's minhyuk, or any minhyuk in the industry. i just searched for a popular name between idols, just clearing this up for future happenings, i guess?  
> i hope you liked it, even if it is a little. i'll make sure next chapter is better!! thank you so much for reading!!!


	5. kim younghoon

chanhee was getting very close to minhyuk. he spent a lot of time in the other’s dorm, especially for the fact that he got along pretty well with the rest of the members too, which was pretty strange coming from him. he wasn’t used to being this social, to being surrounded from that many people that weren’t his groupmates. and in a way it didn’t feel the same, they didn’t treat him the same, he didn’t know if it was a good or a bad sign but he was enjoying the time there so he didn’t really care. 

“chanhee, are you done?” minhyuk asked from the other side of the door.

“almost, just a second!” he put some more blush on his cheeks and checked himself out before opening the door. he was wearing white flowy shorts, a multi-color button-up shirt unbuttoned till the middle showing part of his chest, a belt that snug around his waist, and some basic converse that fit the shirt. he was wearing more make-up than he was used to wearing offstage, but he felt pretty. rosy cheeks, glitter eyeshadow, and a heart decorating his right cheek. 

he got out, being met with the older’s presence, he was wearing something more basic, all black, but he looked good either way. “you look so pretty!! i knew it was going to look great on you” he said grabbing him from the waist, he flinched, still not used to skinship, still not used to minhyuk’s touching. “let’s get going, or we’re gonna be late!”

it didn’t take long to get there, this time the party wasn’t far from the center of seoul, which kind of scared him. he hadn’t told the members that he went there, he hadn’t told the manager, it was an unexpected offer from yunho, one of minhyuk’s groupmates. he couldn’t say no, quite literally, they insisted so much that he was left with one possibility. but being there brought fear in him, he could get in a lot of trouble for this, he could get kicked out of the group, stripped out of his dream after all he’s been through. 

“hyung? is this safe?” he asked with fear in his eyes, which the other noticed and gave him a reassuring smile. “of course it is, don’t you believe in me?” 

they entered the building this time it was more crowded, and it looked more like a bar than a formal get-together. he recognized fewer people, not even sure if half of the people he saw were even idols. most eyes were focused on him, probably because of the tight hand that was holding his waist or the bright pink color that his hair had. he really didn’t know and it made him so uncomfortable, the anxious feeling not leaving the pit of his throat keeping him from even saying a word. 

he wasn’t used to this environment, wasn’t used to the attention, to the smell of alcohol too strong for his taste or the closeness of the bodies around him. it was too crowded. this wasn’t his place but he couldn’t back out now. he didn’t want to disappoint minhyuk who worked so hard on his outfit or yunho who wanted him so much to come or even minho who gave him reassuring words through the way here. it was supposed to go well. 

hyuk offered to dance and he accepted, remembering the day they met. he wasn’t as awkward with him anymore and he felt comfortable enough with his presence to let him hold him close. he spent too much time with him to let the memories get in when he tried to touch him, it didn't always feel like that but he tried wanted it to be that way. minhyuk was gentle, he knew chanhee wasn’t the best at parties so he guided him through the crowd. he held him in his arms getting him close to him and away from the bodies that were grinding against each other. 

it was fun, as fun as an environment that he didn’t like could feel. songs that he recognized were blasting through the speakers and he danced to the rhythm feeling the worry leave his body. hyuk was smiling at him and he smiled back. 

“i’m getting kinda tired” chanhee said, leaning more against minhyuk.

“sure you don’t want to stay for a little more?” the shorter looked at him with puppy eyes. “okay, you can rest there, i need to talk to someone. i’ll be back in a minute.” he followed the direction that was signaled and stayed there. 

as he sat, he made eye contact with a face he recognized and it looked like that someone recognized him too and got to where he is. he wasn’t expecting him to remember, as they didn’t talk much last time. 

“new” hyunjin said hugging the other, his voice was a little wavy and he looked a little drunk. he didn’t let him greet him back and kept talking. “i saw you before with minhyuk, do you know him?”

“uhm, yes. we’re friends actually, he’s really kind” he saw the look in hyunjin’s eyes change, maybe that wasn’t the answer he was expecting. 

“minhyuk is no good, didn’t i tell you?” 

“wait, what do you mean?” he didn’t get his answer as he saw the brunette at the time getting another drink on his hand and leaving. 

he looked around still confused but decided to think nothing of it, hyuk had been too good to him to be questioning his intentions now. plus, he was his sunbaenim, he knew more about everything than him and had helped him with many situations. 

“do you want a drink?” he heard someone that he didn’t recognize ask,  _ where is minhyuk? _ he nodded no at the offer but the man kept insisting. “c’mon don’t be a pussy, it’s just a drink man” he got closer with the red cup in his hand.

he hesitated but thought again of not wanting to disappoint minhyuk. it’s just a drink, as long as he doesn’t get himself drunk. he nodded after that thought and the man put the cup in his lips, not even letting him grab it. held his chin and dipped all the content in his mouth.  _ was this how parties worked? meeting strangers who offer drinks? _ he started to dread the man in front of him hating the bitter taste of it, the burn it left on his throat, and the dizziness it brought him. 

his head fell on the table too tired to hold itself, he had no idea that a single drink could get him so worked up. he felt a hand on his thigh, one that wasn’t there a second ago, and one that was going higher and higher, he didn’t get the strength to push him away. too tired to even move a muscle to get that person off him. 

“what are you doing?” he said as he felt the hand holding tightly onto the small of his waist. 

“just having fun, don’t you want to have fun, babydoll?” the man answered and chanhee started to panic unable to do anything, his mind was too crowded to even process what he had just said

“what the fuck are you doing jun?” minhyuk said, and the weight over his body disappeared. “is he your bitch, didn’t mean to bother!” jun smirked looking up at the other. “get the fuck out already, don’t touch him again”. 

minhyuk tried to explain to him how it wasn’t okay to accept drinks from strangers but his mind has too busy to even try to comprehend what was happening, he clung to minhyuk and tried to get comfortable trying to take a nap, not wholly aware of the situation; just too tired to do anything. 

  
  


chanhee woke up feeling his head pounding and bile going up his throat. he didn’t even allow himself to complete waking up as he ran to the bathroom, luckily he found the door open and got to throw up in time. he felt a hand going up and down his back and another one holding the hair that could have gotten dirty. he finished and looked up getting face to face with jacob who was looking at him with pity. he kind of got startled at the realization that he was at the dorms and not in minhyuk’s group apartment; he had no idea how he had gotten there or what happened last night, he just remembered getting to the party and having fun, everything else was a blur at the moment. 

“are you feeling better?” jacob said, offering him a cup of water. 

“no” chanhee answered feeling guilty afterward looking at the other. 

“i’ll call the others, sangyeon needs to talk to you about something. i’m sorry for this” he didn’t explain himself but chanhee could kinda guess what he was talking about, his head hurt like hell but he still could process what was going on. 

he washed his mouth and followed jacob out of the bathroom, changmin and sunwoo were waiting outside of it and neither of them seemed too happy to see him. their eyes followed a mix of hurt and disgust, arms crossed and leaning against the wall. the living room wasn’t far so they got there in no time. which gave him even less time to prepare himself for what was coming.

“chanhee” sangyeon said looking at him disappointed, and at that moment he felt small as if the world was against him. because not only was sangyeon looking at him like that, but the rest of the members were too, all following a look of disappointment, hurt, disgust, pity, or a mix of all the others. his gaze laid low not wanting to cry under the pressure, not even knowing yet what was the exact reason for all of this; he was guessing something, however, it seemed way worse. 

“what were you thinking about? going to a party without telling any of us, getting yourself drunk and even drugged, risking an entire group just for your selfishness to have fun?” the leader was sitting with his arms crossed looking the maddest he had seen him in a while; he wanted to speak and ask something but his voice wasn’t giving in. “what? you can’t talk now? you’re going to do the same again and again, we already forgave you for a mistake once, we can’t keep doing this anymore” chanhee’s eyes started to water looking directly at the other. 

“wait! w-what do you mean? i’m sorry for going to the party, yunho insisted and minhyuk told me it was safe. i don’t even remember anything” he said, getting close to the older one, not understanding the whole situation.

“yeah, and that’s the fucking problem. that’s what you always say, that you don’t remember anything. when we asked you about hyunsuk you didn’t remember anything, right? now we’re asking about this and you don’t remember either. we aren’t dumb chanhee” the others were just looking as sangyeon did all the talking, it didn’t look like any of them was going to intervene in this. 

“i told you i didn’t want to talk about it, why are we talking about it?” he wanted to keep strong but that was one of the things that he still couldn’t handle. 

“because you can’t keep lying to us, or not telling us everything. we are a family, well we’re supposed to be one. i’ve let you off too many times, you go out whenever you want with minhyuk, you don’t come back to the dorms, you keep secrets from us and now you went to a party without asking for anyone’s permission. i’m not your father but i need to know some of this information, not just for the security of the group but for your own” sangyeon was calmer but the hand that held chanhee didn’t leave, he was scared to lose him as much as it hurt to admit. 

chanhee was avoiding eye contact, he had listened to sangyeon and he understood his concern but he didn’t want to talk about it. he never talked about it, even when the company asked about it, even when the manager asked about it, or even when the members asked about it. the company just followed what they had seen. 

“chanhee can you fucking answer something? this is getting pretty tiring” hyunjae said, taking him by surprise at his sudden interruption. “we should be practicing or resting right now, not discussing something that you could just say and have everything cleared”

“i said that i don’t want to talk about it!” he was growing impatient, memories running through his mind, he just wanted to curl up in himself and cry until he disappeared. but that didn’t look like a possibility surrounded by the members right now. 

“if you say nothing we’ll have to go and talk to the manager about what happened yesterday, drinking, taking drugs, and going to a club is completely against our image. what did you think you were doing?” sangyeon inquired, waiting to get an answer this time. 

“i don’t drink on a daily basis and i’ve never taken drugs, i have no idea where all this comes from. guys, what are you talking about?” 

“hyung, minhyuk sunbaenim told us everything, stop acting like you know nothing. we know what happened at the party” sunwoo said, surprising him by his sudden interruption in the conversation. 

chanhee tried to get off sangyeon’s hands that once were comforting now were bothersome “aren’t you hearing me? i said i don’t remember anything, i don’t know what happened! please listen to me” 

“hee, we know what happened, we just need you to admit it. you drank with some guy who also gave you drugs, i don’t want to know if you do this on a daily or not. just stop it right now, we won’t tell anyone but don’t ever do it again”

chanhee’s mind was blurry, as much as he tried to remember nothing came, he just remembered dancing to the music, hands holding him close. he got away, ignored his name being called, following the path to his bedroom; he was remembering, something burning down his throat, a hand on his thigh, a body against him. it felt so real that it gave him a headache, his head pounding, being unable to acknowledge his surroundings. until he was pinned against the wall and noticed the presence of someone else. 

“choi chanhee, what are you doing? why do you keep doing this? i get it if you get new friends, but you barely spend time here anymore, when was the last time you spent a full day at the dorms without getting called by him? now, this. please, answer this, just this one question okay…” younghoon took a deep breath trying to calm himself down. “are you dating him?” 

the younger looked at him with tears forming in his eyes, he hated crying in front of the members but even more did younghoon and seeing a tear fall down his eyes just made him feel so… guilty. he was paralyzed again not knowing how to answer that, the clear answer was “no” but he felt like the answer that the older wanted was way more than that. 

“just… just leave it, okay?” younghoon let go of him and left the room, nevertheless the sorrowful feeling did not leave. 

his knees gave up and he fell to the floor, tears finally flowing down his cheeks. he didn’t know if he was feeling too much or if he was feeling too empty, the emotions overwhelming him. he was there listening, but the whole time it had felt as if he had no voice as if he was a ghost that everyone could see but not hear. the looks he got made everything worse, he had gotten to a time where he thought the members understood him to a certain point, that was never going to question things that happened in the past. that they would never say that name again. but everything got shattered in a second, memories blowing him away from reality. a reality where he was just a burden to the group, he wasn’t part of their little family. all he did was disappoint people who put their trust in him. younghoon, he had disappointed younghoon, the only one of them apart from jacob that never questioned him, never glanced at him with a nasty look. he never blamed him for anything even if it was clearly his fault. he just looked at him with pure adoration and love. gave his all to make him laugh, made him confident when he hated what he was seeing in the mirror, praising him, he gave him comfort. the warm hugs, the late-night cuddles, the little book reading club. everything he did for him only to be paid by him leaving him alone. 

he felt like such a disappointment. 

he felt so empty.

he did not want to feel. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for taking so long to post this chapter, the inspiration didn't come and neither did the time. that's why this chapter felt to me like a mess, i've written it on so many different days. either way, i hope you liked this little mess of mine. and if you can comment what you think about it or what you think will happen next, and leave kuddos!!  
> love you, and thank you so much for the wait! <3


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